Monday, March 3, 2008

Free Cookies?

“Oops … wrong cookie.”

I have recently started collecting the words of wisdom from the inside of fortune cookies. I eat Chinese food quite a bit (at least twice a week), so I get lots of these cookies. However, as of this point, my collection contains only five or six fortunes. I have very strict requirements to be a part of my collection, and only an elite few may enter. The fortunes must be entertaining. I don’t want the run of the mill “You will be prosperous” or “Someone special will soon enter your life.” I want something humorous. I demand faulty translations, bad grammar, cold sarcasm, or something just completely off the wall.

“It’s not what your fortune cookie can do for you, but what you can do for your fortune cookie!”

I take these small, white pieces of paper and tack them to my bedroom wall. Glancing over them, most seem to be in blue writing, oddly enough. They are all behind my door, if it’s open, white against the bright orange wall. Each restaurant seems to have its own brand of cookies, and I really only eat at three of them: Metro Buffet, The Great Dragon, and HyVee Chinese. Each time I go by myself or with friends, I get one cookie. If I go with my family, I usually get my parents’ two along with mine. Even if I don’t want to eat the cookie, I’ll open them all just to see if there are any good fortunes.

“Pass the bill to the person of your left.”

In the end, however, there really is no point to collecting things. These slips of paper are useless, and even the “meaningful” ones don’t predict anything. I used to collect state quarters until I realized that I could buy a nice amount of candy with all of my quarters. They were much tastier after they had been spent. The point is, I don’t believe anything these fortunes have to say. They simply complement the good food from some of my favorite Chinese restaurants.

“You will live a long time, long enough to open many, many fortune cookies.”

1 comment:

Old Greg said...

OMFG you are such a noob. This post pretty much (by which I mean COMPLETELY) makes me want to end my own life. What were you thinking? You could seem like less of a freak quoting Monty Python in all caps all the way through. You make me sick. DIE! (and then visit my blog)